Song Review: Soccer Mommy - Still

Before I started doing graffiti, I would climb buildings and dare myself to jump off. I'd find fire escapes to climb, and look out at the lights in the distance and think about my life. It was the view of the world around me, and the possibilities of the lights in the distance that kept me from making that mistake. 

Life is a precious thing, and we are not here forever. It can be difficult and very painful at times, but at least we aren't slugs or sloths (although who knows what those experiences are actually like). 

At age 19 or 20, in that time period, I was a college dropout living in New Haven, Connecticut of all places. I was an overachiever with abusive parents who could not afford to provide me with the life I wanted to live, based on the experience that I was witnessing from the people around me. FOMO apparently was a thing, even back in 1999. I thought that I wasn't going to be able to live the life I wanted to live. 

From Verse 2 of this song: 

Okay, you win, I'll end my life

Drive to the bridge just to overthink it

I never jump, it’s a crutch of mine

Drive to the bridge just to stand there thinkin’

My life stands still

So, yeah. When I heard this song, it reminded me of my experiences as a young adult trying to figure out my life. Thinking about the possibility of just simply ending it, when it felt too difficult. Believing in an afterlife, where I could just start over from scratch; an optimistic view from a suicidal person. 

The lights in the distance kept me alive. The hope that there was something later that was worth sticking around for made it possible for me to set aside those feelings. I think they're more prominent when you're younger because life is newer and we are less experienced. We haven't forged our path in reality at that point, per se, and just ending the whole thing right then and there seems to be a viable option. 

I found freedom climbing buildings, even if my immediate interest was not positive. I found adventure, knowing that I could sneak up a fire escape late at night, watch the city, think about things like I was Spiderman. Every time I would walk back down that fire escape, rather than feeling a sense of defeat for backing down from my own horrid personal challenge, I decided that I would plant the flag. Like the guys on the moon. 

I would plant the flag and make my mark on this society before breaking my reality from it. I would show this world what I was made of, and challenge myself to make a difference before surrendering to defeat. 

That's when I decided to write graffiti. 

6am in January

I woke up alone in her bed for the first time, wrapped in her blanket, wondering where she was and when she'd be back. The house was first quiet, then there was the sound of a group of people, all women, who had come to the house to visit for the night. I could hear them talking in the kitchen, and I heard her voice mixed in with theirs. I contemplated emerging from her room to include myself, and began to concoct an imaginary question I could ask her which would justify my presence; but I couldn't think of one. 

Before I could leave the room, she opened the door slightly and peeked in. "Hey," she said. I asked, "Would you like me to stay the night?" and she said "I'm not sure if tonight is best, and there's something else we need to talk about," and without a kiss goodbye, she left me pensive in thought.

So I gathered my belongings. I recalled the day before, flying my drone through a factory with her, paddling around the shore with my dog, and spending last evening listening to the waves on her back porch, getting to know her better. It was the first time in a long time that I could remember feeling at peace, and at home; perhaps falling in love.

So I looked around for something to leave behind a note for her. I found one, and started writing a letter. As I began the letter "Dear....  " I realized that I couldn't remember her name. And as I started to assemble the rest of the pieces, I also realized that I was already at home in my own bed, because I was waking up from a dream and I had made the whole thing up. 

It was just some strange amalgamation of previous experiences.