History of a Painting

I carried around this 60's map of midtown for years and years. I think I found it at a tag sale one day when I was younger. It remained a mainstay on my walls for years to come.

I brought it to Short Beach when I lived at Tom Luckey's, after he passed away. It was on the wall behind the stereo. It first made its home when i brought into that god forsaken "purple house" in East Rock, where it hung on the wall for years. It probably was acquired at a stoop sale in Prospect Park in 2013 or so.

Anyway, this map of New York, missing the 2nd Ave Subway on it, existed at various iterations of my apartment for years. It came to a point where it became iconic, and I couldn't have a room without it.  Fast forward to Court Street, when I decide to make it into an oil painting.The significance is that I work in Manhattan now. I used to dream about it. And just as that moment came to fruition, it happened. And I have this to prove for it.

On Playing Piano

Hey ok so, sometimes I play piano. That is to say, I sit behind the keys of a piano and attempt to make arrangements. These are sequences that repeat, and then migrate to other patterns. These patterns, honestly, though... I have no idea what I'm playing. I don't know what key I'm in, I don't know what notes are being played. All I know is that I like it, and it sounds good.

There are patterns in music. And I'm not trying to base what I play on what other people are doing. I'm just trying to find patterns that fit and work together, as well as in conjunction with other patterns. These become familiar, and then I start to play those more frequently in the same chronology. Possibly find other ways to make it sound even better. I try to find patterns which sound familiar but that which I can't claim that are from other places, which is why I'm so reluctant to learn cover songs. I like the plausible deniability of not knowing how to play other people's music, so that mine can remain my own. It's a tactic I've used a whole bunch.

I've written a bunch about music, chords and harmonies and some of what I know is based on theory. Right now there are a few piano songs that I've been interested in listening to. There's this one by Beethoven which was also utilized as the background music to the Coleco game "Antarctic Adventure," there's some of the pieces Yann Tierson wrote for the Amelie soundtrack (particularly the one called... I forget, it's in French but it's awesome). And some of these renditions of Lana Del Rey songs that I found entertaining to listen to. I like the piano versions of Old Money, Radio, as well as Ultraviolence, although the ones I found on iTunes are played somewhat robotically.

Before I really understood how to play piano, I was composing on the Reason software. That's something I picked up when I was about 22, because all of my earliest compositions were from 2002. I've saved everything I've ever written in Reason, and there's tons of pointless nonsense in the folders, but they're all arranged by year of the composition in folders that go all the way back to 2002. We're at 2017 and I've taken a sabbatical from composing, and took a detour in 2013 with Space Pirate for a couple of years, but it seems that because of the interest in film work that I've been developing, it's going to go back to classical style compositions as it once was in the early days.

In the beginning, I was writing really complicated pieces simply by clicking the mouse on points, composing with precision in the midi board itself. There were a few odd chord changes here and there, and a lot of it was point / counterpoint. There were a series of "synthonies" (synthetic symphonies) and it compelled me to become interested in the magic of the electromechanical devices known as Band Organs, which were like giant wooden computers that could only do one thing: play music. As I thought in that time how the fundamentals of early logic switches worked, often in those applications as physical switches controlled by electromechanical devices, I began to develop a more profound understanding of what an incredibly magical world we truly live in.

The Illusion Strategy (Anecdotal Evidence)

In the grand scheme of things, I don't think that we are to blame for our feelings. Things happen which cause us to have certain emotional reactions, and that's natural. However, the responsibility falls upon us to determine how we wish to respond to those feelings: how we behave as a result.

I think that in my life I'd like to demonstrate, through multiversal literature (ML) plot mechanisms, later converted through film, that how we bahave has an income on our future. And that our choices - with words, actions, as well as intentions, is how we hold onto the reigns of our future: to become successful time travelers.

For the people who are stuck in a loop of endless repetitiveness, they're not really time traveling. Yet we all have aspects and areas of our life which turn into patterns. Whether it's our social life (hanging out with the same people) our work life (doing nearly the same exact thing every day with few minor exceptions) or our relationship(s) (having the same conversations over and over, or making love the same exact way) - we all experience "loops" or patterns in our behavior which cause us to experience the same or similar things on a very frequent basis.

Most of those experiences are desirable. We don't mind going to our job because the pay is rewarding enough to put up with the nonsense, and in most cases, it's negligible. What could be considered unimaginable is life without a job. One of these dangerous fantasies some people might entertain is the prospect of living on vacation, and that's why the lottery is so popular, even though if most people didn't have to work, they would have absolutely no idea what to do with themselves, and likely implode upon the vast amounts of pointless time and money they've been given.

But some of these experiences are undesirable. An argument with a significant other, or a disagreement with a friend, can be seen as a one time problem or a perpetual issue, depending on how frequently it occurs. As problems become patterns, they become easier to identify. And that's why we do something about them, by changing jobs, getting out of a relationship, or no longer associating with friends who are not friends.

The word "Friend" comes from an old Germanic word meaning "to love" (freund) and it's exclusive to mostly refer to those we are close to whom we are not family nor in a relationship with. The ancient Latin form is "amicus" which eventually made its way into Spanish as "amigo" and has essentially the same meaning.

Throughout this, we are just planets, orbiting around the body of light which brings us life. We are only atoms, assembled into molecules. Our thoughts are like chemicals, often not even nearly as complicated as the compounds which compose us; so how is this possible?

If you believe The Illusion Strategy, then you are of the opinion that you are living some form of dream, and that the experiences that you have when you are asleep are only dreams within dreams, which signify that life itself is as real as our imagination as made evident by the sometimes convincing way that dreams are conveyed. That doesn't mean you should try to jump off a building with a windbreaker that you think can function as a wingsuit, but it does lend some credibility to the song "Row Your Boat," because in fact, life could potentially be just a dream.

The stream, referred to in the song Row Your Boat, could be considered the very stream of consciousness we spend our lives with our thoughts inhabiting. Going against the current or doing anything to cause wake or resistance could be considered counterproductive, which is why it's recommended we row our boats "gently" down the stream, rather than ferociously against the current, and it's understandable why that is. It's clear from almost every aspect of life that stress is a factor leading to health problems and a shortened life span. It might be considered that not getting stressed out contributes to a healthier life.

The Show - Part I

I thought of this really strange concept for a short film or movie. It went something like this. There was a guy who was really into this girl, and everything that happened felt like magic. Each interaction, every occasion, felt like he was continuing this strange, wonderful story.

He told his best friend Sophie about it. "I just think that if only I could live this out on film, then the rest of the world would see what an amazing experience this is."

And she said, "We could act it out. I would play her in a film." So he said, yeah.

He got his friends to do it. A whole crew, who would re-enact scenes from the previous evening, about the girlfriend, who was too shy to act in the first place.

And then what would it be? She asked herself after he proposed they re-enact all of their authentic intimate moments in front of their friends. Would it be real...

And at one point, she even asked him, "Are you doing this for us? Or are you doing this for your friends. Or are you just doing it for yourself," she scolded him one afternoon for all of his theatrics. He was trying to bide her into the same old argument, about the difference between fate and

"You watched that stupid pillow talking video and now all you want to do is talk about aliens. I'm not having it."

And he smiles and says, "That's perfect!" As though it was his version of "CUT!" as he moves along and continues on his mission to find that matching sock. She feels abated by this, dismissed, and it doesn't resolve the conflict.

He seems to think that by moving forth with the conversation by calling it "CUT" ... I don't want to see how he interprets how I behave. I can't watch that show.

This continued, and although it sounds like an unusually unhealthy relationship, the only thing true about that statement is that it's just unusual. Many relationships are unhealthy in the exact same ways. We wonder what our friends or family are going to say or do when they find out the he said this to me, or she did that, but do we ever really think about or understand the consequences of not living in the moment.

Living in the moment is one of the easiest things in the world to do. Dogs do it all day long. When they want food, they're hungry. When they're anxious, they want to walk around. They don't need anyone to explain to them how they feel. We could be the same way, but that would be impossible because unlike dogs, we think too much. About everything.

And that's why it was such a dangerous move for this kid to try to make an ongoing movie about his relationship. While performing and acting out the scenes with another girl. That's where we bring in Sophie, who doesn't understand (or pretends not to see) the complexity in the situation, hardly asks any questions to prevent any misunderstanding, and doesn't understand why things are misunderstood.

"Sure, I can play her. What does she look like?"
"She's really pretty, and really smart, and really funny."
"I can be like that. For sure. Like what kinds of things does she say?"
"She said this the other day: 'Pediddle.' Can you believe that Pediddle!"
"What's that mean?" Sophie says enthusiastically.
"Well, apparently, it means that when there's a car with only one headlight, then it's a peddiddle."
"That's so fascinating. Like the Wallflowers song."
"Exactly. It should have been the Pediddle Song."
"Great point."

So as time goes by, and things progress, we see that Sophie has developed a certain personality for it. And at times, Darcy was cool with Sophie playing her on TV. But then she started to realize that if she kissed Dan, that Sophie might kiss Dan; or that anything that actually happened in real life could happen in the show. So one night they're out and she tries to kiss her.

"I don't want you to kiss me tonight."
"What are you afraid of, that people might see?"
"No, not that, just that you might kiss Sophie in the show... you know, to re-enact it."
"How do you feel about Sophie?"
"I think she's attractive. I find her very..."

She paused.

"Honestly, pretty intimidating. I'm not sure how I feel about this whole thing."
"It's a huge success, all our friends watch it. They support the idea, big time."
"I know but, what happens if we break up?"
"Then, I guess... we break up in the show."
"Would it really happen like that?"
"I mean, yeah, the relationship is over then the show is over."

But that's not how it happened. And you'll find that out later, as though it wasn't obvious already. She puts up with him, and finds the whole experience odd and creative. There's something about it that she actually enjoys, knowing that there's an actress who plays her on TV. One day she comes up with another idea.

"Why don't you get Bobby to play you on the show from now on?"
"Honey, that would be disruptive. To the show. I mean, people might not understand we're the same person if we change the main character in the middle of the show."
"But if you did, then Bobby could kiss Sophie and that would be better for me, you know? Because I want there to be some privacy in our relationship. I want to be the one that kisses you."

"That's the same thing as me asking you to be on the show. I'll tell you what. If you want to be the lead actress, then I'll make it look like Sophie and I broke up. And then I'll meet you the next episode, and you and I could be on the show together, which is what I always wanted."

"I can't do that," she said, with her legs dangling off of a waterfall in Beacon Falls. "I just can't."

Fast forward 12 months later, the show becomes a huge success. It makes it to the news and everyone is talking about it. It's a really big deal, and Bobby and Sophie get invited onto a TV show to talk about the experience.

"Yeah, it's been so interesting and fun working with Sophie. She does such a great part of playing my girlfriend."

"And you write these about your own actual experiences?"
"Actually..." says Sophie sheepishly, "I'm based on someone else."
"Yeah," says Bobby. "I have an actual girlfriend, who's like, a different girl."
"So who's your actual girlfriend?"

"Her name's...." and he pauses, "I can't say. I mean, part of the reason why she's not on the show is because in real life, she's such a private person and if I gave up her identity I think I'd be betraying that."

Says Sophie, "She's so wonderful. I mean, I would never have thought of the things that she says. They're all her real quotes, Bobby writes them down and we re-enact it and it's become such a popular show."

Says the host, "Bobby, you must be proud."
"I am, and I'm really grateful that the show has taken off, and I hope so has she."

One night, the show wins an award. Sophie gets stuck in traffic because she originally put in the wrong city in her GPS and ended up on the other side of the state, though at the right address on the wrong street.

"Is it shaped like a farm house?" she asks.
"No, it's a theatre in downtown New Haven."
"Are there cows? Can you hear a dog barking?"
"Sophie, I think you're in the wrong town."
"It says I'm at 266 College Street."
"I think it's the wrong city."
"Who's Sharon?"

So as Sophie sat next to a barn in Sharon, CT, everyone in the theatre awaiting the awards anxiously looked for her, wondering where she was. Bobby was there with Darcy, and no one had every seen Darcy before. She had done herself up to the total nine's for this, and looked absolutely stunning. People thought she was a model and everything felt amazing, until one man asked, "Where's Sophie?"

"Sophie is in Sharon, Connecticut. She put in the wrong address on her GPS. Right street, wrong town!" They all laughed.

"That would be something she would do!" said one of the reporters. "He's right!" says another, and they laugh more. Darcy's feeling of pride left her as she she looked at the floor.

"This is my real girlfriend Darcy! She's who the character of Sophie is based on, you know," as Bobby's voice trailed off, "things we talk about, and stuff."

So they both sat there in the audience watching Sophie play her in front of everyone. She kept thinking back to how things actually happened, and found little flaws in all of it. She noticed only the discrepancies and the differences, but she could never tell what about it was accurate or not because the show itself caused her to constantly question the past. It was it's own twisted form of gaslighting. It was that night that she began to believe that she was in an abusive relationship.

Darcy started going out again after that. She went out with her girlfriends on Friday night, who were all out lesbians at this point, but they all had a guy friend or two that they would tell everyone they were together with, just so that no one felt threatened by their behavior or continuously hit on them. She became part of this clique for a while. Cigarette smoking, whiskey drinking lesbians who prowled around all night, looking for trouble.

He had no idea about this, at first, because he was too busy himself out celebrating with his guy friends, and the occasional lingering female who liked to hang around with the boys. Sophie was certainly one of those, on heavy rotation, until one of his friends started actually dating her.

"I can't believe you're dating Brendan!" said Bobby to Sophie.
"Why?" She replied, "You've been dating Darcy for years."
"I don't want to act like Brendan. I don't want you to write plots so that I can..."
"Wait, wait wait," said Sophie. I'm not a writer. I don't write the show. You and --"
"I mean, I guess I'm cool with it. As long as he treats you good. Is he nice to you?"
"He's your friend! I met him through you. Do you think he was nice before he met me?"
"Yeah, he's always nice. I just never knew you two would get together, that's so weird."
"Why is it weird?"

Next scene, Darcy is out with her friends, who are smoking weed behind a dumpster. She's still just as quiet as ever, barely saying a word, observing everything.

"Darcy when are you going to break up with him."
"Yeah and who is this bitch that plays you? She looks nothing like you."
"You're 20 times funnier than she is in real life."

She burps.

"See?" They all laugh. "Like, who would do that, right then and there?"

The show is continuing. Bobby is making dinner with Sophie. It's something that happened 5 years ago, because at this point, he's having a really difficult time figuring out what to write about. The relationship is completely deteriorating and falling apart, and people are starting to notice because the reviews in the paper are saying that he's not acting too good. And it's true, his ability to act has declined.

One night, Bobby and Sophie almost hook up. Brendan is out of town. Bobby goes out and Darcy stays at home because he says he's going to hang out with his friends. But none of his friends happen to be around, including Brendan because he's out at a bachelor party with them, leaving Sophie behind. Bobby talks to Sophie via text message (whispering) and she comes over to the bar where he's at and sits next to him.

"Get us both shots."
"Bobby!" she proclaims.

The shots arrive and he cheers it to the show. "To the show!" and she starts to think that perhaps Bobby isn't doing too good and she show is basically over. "Bobby how are things with Darcy?" she asks. He's not particularly sober.

"They're fine, just fine," he says. "How are things with Brendan?"
"Well I'm a little nervous about this bachelor party thing. It makes me so uncomfortable. Do you think..."

"Do I think that he might be what? Hooking up with some random chick at this thing?"
"Yeah, exactly."

He takes a sip of beer. "Do you trust him?" Puts down the beer. "Sounds like something you should ask him when he gets back."

"I don't want to wait that long. Let me text him."
Bobby says "Noooo..  no no.. Bad idea. No texting. Give him some space, you know? Show him you trust him a little bit."

"You're right, dammit. Bobby, you're so smart. What are we going to do next?"
"Let's go to a show. The Right Off's are playing at Cafe Nine later."
"Ok, let's go."

So Bobby and Sophie go to The Right Off's show over at Cafe Nine, and everyone sees them when they walk in the door and all the guys give Bobby high-fives, and all the girls give Sophie a big hug, the first round was on the bartender, and the door guy didn't even charge them a cover. They each go to respective corners and engage in various conversations.

On the girl's side, everyone is asking Sophie how things are going.
On the guy's side, all the people are asking Bobby how everything is.

Then they both ask them about what the next episode of the show is going to be about.

"I have absolutely no idea," says Bobby.
So says Sophie, almost the exact same way.

At the end of the night, Bobby walks Sophie home and he says, "It feels like we're on the show."
"Yeah, that was kind of almost like a real date."
"You know how real dates end," says Bobby as he made a move.
"Bobby are you for real?"

And he held his face out in front of hers for what was probably about 5 seconds. She remained silent and frozen, thinking of what to do. Faced in that moment with the prospect of kissing Bobby for real, also having been on the show with him for so long, it almost felt natural. Plus imagining Brendan getting grinded on by some hoochie at a bachelor party did all kinds of weird things to her that night.

They made out in front of her building for what was probably about a half hour. Eventually she said "I have go to in, I'm getting cold," and he says, "want me to walk you up?" and his pocket vibrates.

"Bobby, you need to go home. And I need to go inside."
"Okay. Good night Sophie."

He got home late and went to bed. Darcy wasn't having it. She could smell a woman's perfume on him but she couldn't place it.

"Who do you smell like?" she asked in the morning. He regarded it as just another one of her Darcyisms.

"Who do I smell like? What do you mean?" He stands up close to her. "I smell like me."
"I could swear you smelled like women's perfume when you got into bed last night."
"Why on earth would I be wearing women's perfume?"
"I was out with my guy friends last night. I told you already."

The conversation was interrupted by a news bulletin on the television, that there's been a string of robberies in the neighborhood.

Fast forward later that same day. Darcy was in line at the coffeeshop and guess who walks into line. It's Sophie. They smile and wave at eachother. Darcy is ahead in line. Sophie is a few customers behind. By the time Darcy is fixing her drink at the counter, Sophie catches up to her.

"Darcy it's so good to see you!"

Instantly, she smells the scent that she recognized on Bobby the night before. Her face goes from apathetic to angry in an instant. "You were with him last night, weren't you."

"What do you mean?"

"You were out with him, I could smell you on him. What were you doing?"
"What did he tell you?" said Sophie, fearfully.
"She hasn't told me anything, that's the problem," says Darcy, through her teeth.

The girls behind the bar duck and cover, with just their eyes above the counter.
"You two were just supposed to be friends. And you have a boyfriend."
"My boyfriend is at some stupid bachelor party, probably smooching on some hoochie."
"Well then we got the same problem," says Darcy back, ferociously.

She gives her an evil look, storms out of the shop, forgets her drink, has to go back inside to get her drink, and drives away, kind of angrily, but still stopping for a stupid yellow light.

Bobby came home a few days later after deciding that Darcy needed some space. He went back to the apartment where they both lived after spending some time at his parents. He and Darcy didn't communicate the whole time, which was his idea of rest and relaxation.

When he returned, everything was gone. Except this note, in the middle of the floor.
"Have fun re-enacting that on your show." with a heart sign and a crude illustration of a middle finger, it was signed, Darcy (in cursive).

He sat on the floor, in shock, and remained motionless, until the sun set, where he remained there on the floor, in the dark.

The very next day, he was awoken by a phone call. It was Sophie. She wanted to meet up.
"I feel so terrible about what happened, we need to talk," she said on the phone.

They met up at the very same coffeeshop as was the confrontation between Sophie and Darcy. "I really don't know how she knew. Maybe she was psychic."

"I don't know. There was something really special about her, though. I'm going to miss her forever."
"I'm so sorry, Bobby, I didn't mean to mess this up."
"How are things with you and Brendan?"
"He broke up with me after the bachelor party. He admitted to cheating on me and felt really bad about it."
"Did you tell him about us?"
"We just kissed, that's not really cheating."

She took a sip of coffee and looked out the window.

"And we do that on TV all the time."

"So how do we end the show?"
"How did she break up with you?"
"She just left. It's very anti-climactic."
"Yeah, that is. You want to go for a walk or something?"
"Sure, we can do that."

So Sophie and Bobby took a hike in the woods, maybe smoked some weed, and started talking about the show a lot more. "Yeah but we have to end it, it needs to be over."

"But Bobby it was so much fun, and people loved it."
"Yeah but when things got rough with me and Darcy, it became harder to write episodes. I mean, some of that stuff is completely made up. Like, not even close to the real thing."

"That's what makes it so great though, is that you wrote it."
"We wrote it," as she and he got close again and things got sweet.

"Sophie, I have the craziest idea here."
"What's that?" she asked, both excited and fearful in her eyes.
"I can't tell you, but we need to do one last episode."

She agrees.

She's given a script, as usual. It goes on towards the end, and she's read the script but she doesn't like the ending. "What's this ending all about?" she says.
"It's just a regular ending."
"That's how we're going to end the show? With... Bye?"
"Yeah, exactly. Like, we're saying it to our audience."

When they get to that part of the episode, they're playing pool and talking about life in Three Sheets. That's where she's supposed to take a taxi to the airport to see about this dream job in L.A., which surely to the presumptive audience means the beginning of the end for the show, he pauses, and breaks from the script.

"Will you marry me?"

And to the audience, forever, may you wonder if that was just part of The Show, or if it were for real.